Have you ever been purposefully quiet? Just sat in the morning or evening with no distractions, no cell phone or electronic device, but sat in silence? This is something I’ve been practicing for the last year. It’s been very helpful when my thoughts are too much and need to be taken captive. My life has slowly unraveled the last two years. Meaning every area of my life has changed or is changing. Most change is good and some change has to be grieved because from death new life rises.
Standing up
At the end of 2019, I could feel in my spirit change was coming. I didn’t know how, why or what was coming. Through a ton of counseling and inner healing work, the anger I had carried with me was being worked through and out of my body. Finally finding my voice again caused me to stand up for myself and for our children. Didn’t we deserve better? Didn’t we deserve to be honored, loved and cherished? These things I questioned and as a result of my questioning caused my family to come apart.
I watched as my marriage unraveled before me. I’ve watched my children go through trauma and not understand what’s happening. I’ve sat back in silence, praying for the restoration of all things while God quietly reminded me of Matthew 6:33. God hates divorce, but He has also reminded me to live in peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). To fight for my marriage until it fully unraveled and to eventually let go. So I let go.
Letting Go
How do you let go of a piece of life you hoped would be better? If I did this differently, or acted a certain way wouldn’t they choose to stay? The answer is they (and you) get to choose. You hope loving someone would be enough whether it’s through action, words, or deeds. Sometimes it isn’t enough. Sometimes they walk away and you have to choose how to move forward. Letting go is one of the hardest pieces especially when the other person chose to leave years before ever verbalizing it.
Letting go well is difficult. A friend texted me the other day saying, ‘I know this journey of choosing God has cost you far more than you could have imagined. You have courageously stepped into significant breakthroughs and healing. And this is only the beginning! He will be faithful to the first promise of Matthew 6:33. He will give back every single thing even better than what you lost or gave up.’ This gives me hope and permission to let go of control. Hope in whatever future is around the corner for the kids and I.
Finding Hope
The only way you get through unraveling is to hold onto hope and faith. Faith is the assurance of the things we cannot see (Hebrews 11:1). Hope keeps you walking forward. It propels you to take chances and gives you permission to let the unraveling happen. Unraveling your life is a very hard and very freeing process. As you lay each piece of your life down in full surrender, you find hope on the other side. There are many things I’ve done wrong, but it’s in the surrender, where I find new life through forgiveness. The only way to have hope is to let go of the past, release any pain, and walk forward with God. The dreams of your future have no room for the devastations of your past.
