The 3am Book – When Divorce Keeps You Up All Night
I taped the last box shut of our Colorado home and looked around. It’s funny – I had spent the last 4 years unpacking childhood trauma, unhealthy reactions, and control issues. I felt like a new person, but I had hoped my husband would love me more. Instead, he was done. The kids and I were moving on to a new adventure.
The bedrock of our new adventure was Matthew 6:33. Matthew 6: 33 “But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” If you seek me first, my Kingdom and my righteousness, I will take care of all things. All things – including divorce.
Brokenness Leads to Healing
The brokenness I brought into our marriage was something I didn’t realize until after our divorce. I was looking for a man to heal me, but not lead me. 2018 in bible study was when the healing and recovery started. God sat me down and said to ‘sit and heal because I want to run this race with you and to end your life well.’ To run the race well, you must heal from your past. Healing from your past can take time and be instant. I would spend six months to a year sitting with Holy Spirit, doing inner healing, and counseling, and undoing all the yuck.
This caused a transformation in my physical person, but also emotionally and spiritually. People could see a difference because of how God continued to heal me. He healed me from the spirits of control, comparison, and anger. Coming out from under those spirits led me into deeper and deeper freedom. It also caused a transformation in my kids’ lives because I was the one the kids spent the most time with when their father was traveling. They have gotten to watch mommy walk out her faith and continue to lean on mommy during our last few years.
But as I healed, it drove my ex-husband and I further apart. It was sad because as he deconstructed out of his faith, he couldn’t see the change. That broke my heart because I was hoping he would see a change in me and ask to know what was causing the change. However, he was too far gone by that point of our divorce. There was truly nothing I could do even though I pleaded. I was the one who had brought all of to a head because of the neglect and emotional turmoil in our marriage. I wanted a marriage and asked him to please be a part of it. To lead, to love and want to be with me. That led to him pulling farther away. When men decide they are done, unless the Lord intervenes, it’s very hard to convince them to give you another chance.
Follow God Even When Its Hard
At the end of our marriage, the Lord continually spoke 1 Corinthians 7:15 over me. It says “But if the unbelieving partner leaves, let him leave. In such cases the [remaining] brother or sister is not [spiritually or morally] bound. But God has called us to peace.” And peace He has given me. The miracles which happened through our divorce were amazing. God provided a home, helped us sell our home, provided for us to move cross country to be near family, gave me a job, has been with us through the transition. He continues to heal my kids and I from the last few years and give us our joy back.
He is such a good, good Father and provider, and continues to show up in ways which blow our minds. When the Lord calls you to walk through hard seasons of yuck, don’t give up. Take one step at a time. Take time to rest, be with Him, and most importantly, let him heal you. Let him show you how beautifully and wonderfully made you are. You are not a failure. Your marriage may have not survived, but you are a daughter or son of God and God doesn’t make mistakes. He’s not a God of confusion and chaos, but of clarity, peace, love, kindness, and goodness.
How are you and God building kingdom values in yourself and family during and after divorce?
- Be honest with the Lord. He knows anyway, so vent to Him. What is hurting your heart?
- Ask Him, what do you want to teach me?
- What are the areas I need healing in?
- Where are the cracks in my foundation?
- How can I be the hands and feet of Jesus during this divorce and after?
- Don’t let bitterness and unforgiveness take root. How can I guard against that?
- How can I be more intentional with my words and actions?
- How can I be kind when the other party isn’t?
- How can you bless the other person in the divorce?
Tell yourself out loud, “You are no longer stuck. You are no longer powerless. He sees you. You are known. And you are deeply loved exactly as you are. Created perfectly by a God who does not make mistakes.”
One thing you can do this week:
Take one-two hours to sit with the Lord and ask the questions above. Go through the exercise listed and see what the Lord says back. Try two-way journaling with the questions above and ask Holy Spirit to answer each question. This will lead to further understanding and to more healing, providing much needed rest during your divorce process.
Precious Lord, thank you for the glorious riches we have in surrendering our lives to you. We ask that your agenda take precedence in our lives and that we learn to draw on every blessing we have in you. You are our provider, and no ill-fitting thing will be placed on us. Heavenly Father, thank you for the reminder that obedience to you must never be separated from dependence on you. May we experience a deeper realization of your working in and through us. In Jesus’s name, amen.